Monday, August 27, 2012

And Then She Grew Up And Went To Preschool...

Friday in the midst of the chaos that has become our life was Emma's very first day of preschool at the local Christian school that is near and dear to my heart. It's the same school I graduated from, that her dad graduated from, that my sister and my nephew attend, and it's the school where I do my ACT prep with the juniors and seniors, as well as, referee their volleyball games. We have lots of history in these halls and it is the school we feel the most comfortable with for our daughter.

From the moment Emma came into our lives, I knew I would send her to this Christian school as soon as she was old enough. So, when I went back to work part time earlier this year, it seemed only natural to enroll her in their K3 program for this fall. I have been nervous and apprehensive about sending her, especially after I got laid off from my job on Wednesday. But, despite our differences, her dad and I both agree that this is what's best for her. She needs the socialization. She needs an education I can't give her at home because of all the stress I'm under. She just needs this, and I think it's worth the sacrifice.

So, anyway, our day started with LOTS of tears, but after hiding upstairs for a few hours, I was assured by our administrator that she was doing just fine and I could probably leave. I piddled around for a few hours, anxious and worried. I finally decided to enjoy the quiet time and made a pretty good dent in my book, as well as getting all of my stuff done for substitute teaching application. I waited and waited for 3:00, and then rushed to the school a few minutes early to pick her up. Her teacher said she did wonderful! That she listened and participated! I was relieved! (Now if we can only keep up the good behavior all year!) So, anyway, today is day two. She shed a few tears this morning, but I am doing my best to convince myself that she is going to have a great day, and I can't wait to hear all about it when I pick her up :)

I hope you are all having a fantastic Monday! :)

Monday, August 20, 2012

Breaking The Silence

For some things in life, there are no words. There just aren't. I have sat down and stared at this blank page more times than I can count. I start sentences. I delete sentences. Some of them are angry. Some of them are pretty lies. Some of them are just me trying to paint a picture without giving away all the colors. But, mostly I just leave the page blank. I stare at the blinking cursor. I cry. I wonder how in the world my life got to this place-this place of uncertainty, bitterness, anger and fear.

It's a terrible place, and if someone would of told me when I was twenty-one that I would be here, I would of laughed. I would of claimed they didn't know me. Because back then I was virtuous and proud. Back then, no one could of told me anything different than what I wanted to believe. Back then, all those promises were so shiny and so new, and I believed in them. I never doubted them for one second. But, the funny thing about life is that it never works out quite like you had planned, and before you know it, that nieve, twenty-one year old girl isn't looking back at you in the mirror anymore. She has been replaced by a girl who seems distant-worn down by life at only twenty-six.

And you wonder what happened to the funny, quirky girl? You wonder at what point did you lose her? And suddenly before you know it, something takes over and you would do anything to get her back. Anything. You would walk away from something you have done such a good job of making everyone believe was perfect. You would ruin your reputation. You would let people talk. You would turn your child's life upside down. Not out of spite, but because you owe it to her (and yourself) to be the best version of yourself. And that version of yourself doesn't exist in a lie. A lie that forces you to hide bruises and make excuses. A lie that asks you to walk on egg shells. A lie that forces you-bends you to be perfect: an unattainable goal.

And so here I am: a twenty-six year old with a college degree who is sleeping in the same bedroom she grew up in at her mother's. My life is now full of trying to find a more permanent source of income for my daughter and I, saving to eventually move out of my mother's house, getting used to spending more than one night away from the child I spent every waking minute with during her first three years of life. In my free time I sit on a couch in someone's office and tell them all my dirty secrets for an hour, deny nasty rumors, try to find that perfect balance between working mother and mother who is actively involved in her child's life, and learn important lessons about those who actually care about me, and those who just want to use my pain to fuel their gossip and make themselves feel better about their own “perfect” life. Needless to say, I am not bored.

So, you may be wondering what happened, and how I got to this point. Well, I'm not ready to share that part of the story. The wounds are too fresh, and people I care about read this blog. I will not air all of our dirty laundry, mostly because I don't want to say things I'll regret. All you need to know is that my husband and I are working through our issues with the help of a clinical counselor, and that right now, for me, the future seems uncertain. I have owned up to my mistakes, because I am aware that there are two sides to every story. I am not perfect, and I am done trying to be. I am angry and I am bitter, but I'm working on that. Right now, I don't feel okay, but I know that I am on my way to that place, and I am doing my best to embrace this part of my journey. I am overcoming obstacles one day at a time, even though some of them still defeat me from time to time. I know I am a work in progress, and I am slowly becoming okay with that.

So, pardon the silence. Pardon this time in my life when I just don't have anything to say. Please know that I am still here. I am still breathing. But, right now, getting up everyday and finding the energy to breathe, to work, and to be Emma's mother is all I can muster. I appreciate your patience and I covet your prayers. 

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