A few weeks ago, I wrote
this post about how discouraged I was for not being selected for a 6 week teaching position at the Christian school where I substitute teach and volunteer. I wrote about how while I was hurt by the administrations decision, I was convicted about my attitude toward the situation and reminded that I do not volunteer for myself or for recognition, I do it for the Lord. Period. End of story. Getting it all out there in
that post really put things into perspective for me and I went about my business.
Well my husband, being my knight in shining armor he always attempts to be, approached the principal about the situation. Before I knew it, I was in! He came home and proudly proclaimed that I could dry my tears, because he had taken care of "it"! I felt so blessed that he would defend me in that way, and I was excited about the future, until he added the last detail, "Oh, and it's not just 6 weeks, babe. It's 4 months."
4 MONTHS! That stopped me in my tracks. I suddenly felt very ashamed for the initial response I had allowed myself to have toward the situation: hurt, angry, upset. I was ashamed, because if I had known it was going to be 4 months long, I wouldn't of reacted that way at all. I probably would of been relieved.
You see, when I was a little girl I used to think I wanted to be a teacher. But, then I grew up and started substituting to make extra money and I realized there was
NO WAY I could spend 40+ hours a weeks educating minds and doing all the preparation that goes into it. Teaching just isn't my calling. I admire everyone who chooses that field, especially those who choose to teach lower elementary grades. I also have a huge amount of respect for
EVERY teacher I was blessed with kindergarten through 12th grade. Those extraordinary people made a huge impact on my life, and I will forever be grateful to them. It is because of these people that I know there is a huge difference in becoming an educator and actually living it, and I won't pretend to be capable of either. I just don't have the patience for it and that is reason #1 why teaching for four months straight is out of the question. Trust me, parents, you will thank me.
My #2 reason is probably the most obvious: Emma. At the beginning of the school year when we discussed me substituting for 6 weeks, we talked about placing Emma in the Christian school's K3 program while I worked. This was going to save us a ton of money and it seemed like the right thing to do, especially since she'll only be a few months away from 3 years old when I start the position. But, then when the time frame turned from 6 weeks to 4 months, that's when my heart and my mommy instincts began to step on the brakes! To go from being at home with me all of the time to an extremely structured K3 program for 4 months just seemed like too much, especially for her age.
Now, before all you moms who have to send your children to daycare go calypso on me and give me the "my-kids-are-doing-just-fine-in-daycare" speech, you must understand that our K3 program is
NOT a daycare program. Our K3 program is a strict, curriculum based program where the children are introduced to the structure and expectations they will experience in a kindergarten classroom. Our K3 program also reiterates the basics: the alphabet, numbers and counting, colors, and shapes that they will need to know in order to test into any kindergarten classroom. While the K3 children have more free play than our kindergarteners do, they still have the morning hours set aside just for learning and a short hour long nap in the mid-afternoon, that is then followed by free play. As I said, it is a
VERY structured program that even some 3 year old's have trouble adjusting to, so I can only imagine how overwhelming it would be for my 2 year old.
In my opinion, it is just
WAY too much structure for us
TOO soon. I feel like the learning activities, as well as, the discipline and nurturing Emma is getting at home is enough. We really have no interest in putting her in an educational program until she is 4. I would also hate to put her in a program for four months, have her get used to their routine, and then pull her back out of it for summer. It just doesn't seem like a good choice for us, and thankfully the kindergarten teacher/K3-K4 coordinator agrees with me.
I guess when it comes down to it, here's the truth: I quit a job that I loved to
STAY AT HOME with Emma. I have no interest in returning to work full-time or even part-time to do something that is not my calling or passion. In my mind, it makes more sense that if I were going to go back to work, because we needed the money or whatever, then I would go back to my old job at the hospital. I feel like I left there on great terms, and I know that my old boss would find something for me to do if I really needed a job. I've always been the type of person who thinks you should do what makes YOU happy, and you shouldn't have to feel trapped in your work place. I never felt that way at the hospital and after almost 3 years, I still miss it every day. That's why if I was going to return to work, I would want to return to the place that made me happy. That made me feel the most productive and "needed". I will also be returning to school in January to finish my bachelor's in Healthcare Management, so in regards to my degree, a job at the hospital would make more sense over the teaching position.
Don't get me wrong, I love helping at the school! And right now, substitute teaching once or twice a month is a blessing to our family. It allows me to stay at home with my daughter, but earn a little extra money here and there. The extra income is definitely why I was on board for the initial six weeks, but in truth, ever since I agreed to the six weeks, I was having anxiety about Emma attending the K3 program. I was hoping to find a way that she could maybe stay with Randy's mom a few days a week, so she wouldn't have to go to K3 everyday. And to be honest, when I found out they had given the position to someone else, a small part of me relieved. I was relieved that I wouldn't have to worry or try to figure anything out. And now in hindsight, before I allowed myself to get upset, I should of tapped into that feeling of relief as the Lord listening to the true desires of this momma's heart. Isn't it awesome how sometimes the Lord gives you exactly what you need, even before you realize that's what you needed? And isn't it ridiculous how so many times we fight Him, and say things like, "Lord, why didn't you give me this?" or "Lord, why didn't you allow this to happen?", because we refuse to admit He was right all along by not allowing it?
Anyway, I talked with the principal Sunday after church and told him that Randy and I had talked and I was no longer interested in the 4 month substitute position. I told him that I had initially thought it would only be 6 weeks, but now that I knew it would be for 4 months, I just felt the Lord leading me away from the position for Emma's sake. He was very understanding. We talked about several scenarios regarding the position, because it has to be filled, and I feel like he left with the understanding that I am not totally unwilling to help, but they need to help me work around my #1 commitment: my daughter.
After we talked, I felt much better about the whole thing, and now we are waiting to see which 1 of the 2 different scenarios will be approved by the school board: #1, they will not ask me to do it at all, because I am one of only two regular substitutes. If I were to commit to the position, that would put them out a substitute teacher, and in all honesty, I am their most reliable substitute. I think they would be up a creek if I were to commit to the 4 month position. #2, I may end up splitting the position with the other substitute they chose. We will each do 6 weeks or we may split it into half days. If we did half days, then I would do the afternoon session, because that is when the K3 class is done with their structured learning program and they spend the afternoon having a nap, eating a snack, and playing. I would feel better about Emma joining in on that part of their day, instead of for the whole day or even the morning session.
The principal and I both agreed to continue to pray on the matter, and I really feel at peace about the whole thing. My husband and I's decision for me to stay at home with Emma requires us to majorly trust the Lord to provide. I know that I am doing what He wants for MY life by staying at home, and I know that because I am in His will, He will take care of us. Of course, that means I can't be frivolous with our money and I try to pinch our pennies, but at the end of the month all our bills always get paid and my family always has food to eat and gas for our car. The substitute teaching is another way the Lord blesses us, because they always seem to call me when we need the money the most. Yes, staying at home is a leap of faith, but at the end of the day, there is no where I would rather be, and no matter what, I have to keep that in perspective.
