“No matter what, once in your life, someone will hurt you. That someone will take all that you are, and rip it into pieces and they won’t even watch where the pieces land. But through the breakdown,
you’ll learn something about yourself. You’ll learn that you’re strong.
And no matter how hard they destroy you, that you can conquer anyone.” ~Unknown
A few weeks ago after I read
Jessica's story, it made me think about a dark time in my life. A time in my life I am still waiting to pass. It made me want to share my story and experience with divorce. I don't want to air my parents' dirty laundry, but the truth is their dirty laundry changed my life, and it's a story worth sharing, especially if it helps someone. It's hard to know where to begin, so I'll just start at the beginning.
The first time one of my dad's many affairs came to light was when I was sixteen years old. I will never forget that night. My sister, Randi, and I came home from our church's praise team practice to find our grandmother at our house and my mom sitting in her room with all the lights off. All she would tell us was, "Your dad left."I just sat there in shock, while my sister broke down crying. I remember walking outside, and just kneeling there on our concrete driveway and just praying...praying so hard for some kind of answer. None came, and my three sisters and I each went to stay with friends and family members that night, so that my mom could have some space. I actually spent the night with my pastor and his family, because his daughter, Katie, and I were very good friends. I remember him giving me a big hug that night before I went to bed and just saying, "Ashley, everything is going to be okay. God is in control." As much as I appreciated the comfort in his words, I still cried myself to sleep, because for the first time in my sixteen years of life I was hit with the realization that my parents' marriage was not perfect....it wasn't even close.
I had always thought that my parents had a great marriage. They seemed to have the same hobbies and interests. My mom really didn't have her own hobbies. Everything she did revolved around my sisters and I or our dad. If she wasn't teaching a Sunday School class, or helping in Mission Friends or coaching one of our little league teams, she was golfing with my dad or camping with our family. She and my dad would go to Springfield on dates all the time, and they were both so active in our church. My dad didn't start going to church with us until I was 12 or 13, but once he accepted the Lord and started attending regularly, he became good friends with our Pastor and a member of the Praise Team. My sisters and I were in church every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday evening. Randi and I were active in our youth group, members of the Praise Team, and we went to EVERY youth function. We even attended Christian school. My parents had made Christ and family time the center of our lives since before I could remember, and now they were separated?! My dad was having an affair?! You know, when I think back, it all just seemed like a bad dream at the time. I had a really hard time coping with it, and I actually sank into a very dark depression during my sophomore year of high school. My mother took me to see a psychologist and I was put on medication. She was desperate to find anything that would help me. I think the thing that helped me the most was writing, because that was the time in my life when I really started journaling. It became my only outlet. The only way I could get those terrible feelings out.
A few months after my dad left he came back home. My parents had decided to try and work things out. They started going to counseling, and things seemed to get back to normal. We were a family again. We went back to church and started doing family activities like camping and stuff. Things seemed fine, and they stayed that way for a few years until the summer of 2007.
In 2007, I had just finished my second year of college. I had been attending college at a nearby community college and working at our local hospital. I was no longer living at home due to another
VERY LONG story. I had been living with my grandmother for almost a year. My parents and I's relationship was a little rocky due to the other
VERY LONG story, so I really wasn't aware of any problems at home. My sister, Randi, had rushed all of us into a whirlwind wedding, due to the fact that my mom wouldn't allow her and her boyfriend to move in with each other or elope. So, we spent most of the summer planning her wedding, as well as, anticipating my engagement to my husband which could come at any time. When my dad's second affair surfaced it wasn't as much of a shock this time, but it was still very painful. My dad moved out permanently a week before my sister's wedding. Things have never been the same since.
My mother was very hurt and angry. I know she had every right to feel that way. But, I also know there are two sides to every story and while my dad's many affairs sealed the deal, their marriage had been falling apart for a long time. My father is a very selfish person. I love him, but he is probably one of the most selfish people I know, and when I think back on my childhood I have so many memories of things that he missed out on because he was always out or away doing his own thing. For instance, he missed all our family trips to Branson, our family vacation to Disney World in Florida, and almost all of our school plays and volleyball games. He just wasn't around much, and my mom was left doing and juggling everything. She is amazing, and has always given herself completely to her family...to us girls. I am so grateful to her for all she gave to us, and I know she wouldn't trade any of that for anything.
Of course, my dad is trying to make up for it now, and I am grateful for that too. But, to my mother, it's a little to late. I can understand that, I really can, especially now that I am older. But, sometimes I wish she wasn't so bitter and "holier-than-thou". I wish she didn't always have such negative things to say about my dad. I wish she'd quit wanting us to hate him. I wish she would just let him be our dad. Because no matter how messed up he is as a person, he is still our dad. I don't always have to agree with what he is doing, and just because I speak to him or say, "Hello" to his girlfriend of the moment, doesn't mean I support all of the bad choices he is making. I am just trying to have a relationship with the man who was absent for so long, so that my daughter can have a relationship with him.
Yes, as you can see, my parents have one of
THOSE divorces. One of those divorces that took three years before any papers were signed and anything was final. One of those divorces that to this day has resulted in two grown people who still cannot have an adult conversation with each other. One of those divorces where one of my parents is always calling me to "tell" on the other. One of those divorces that has resulted in a lot of dancing around and juggling of holidays and birthdays. One of those divorces that has disintegrated a once loving family into nothingness. It's been brutal, for lack of a better word, and it has changed all of us.
A lot of people ask me how my parents divorce has affected my own marriage, especially since they separated a few months before my wedding. Well, I think the number one way it has affected my marriage is it has caused me to struggle with trust issues. Now don't get me wrong, my husband, Randy, is a great guy. I trust him with every fiber of my being and I know in my heart that he would never leave me. I don't think he's even capable of cheating. But, no matter how much I believe that, no matter how often I remind myself of these truths, there is always that little voice inside my head that whispers, "What if?". It's sad that my father's mistakes could have such an impact on my life, that they could leave me so broken, but they did. As a result, Randy and I have spent the last four years picking up the pieces and constantly revisiting the subject of trust and fidelity.
My parents' divorce has also changed my relationship with my mother, because my parents' divorce has changed my mother. Without going into too much detail, it has left me constantly trying to "prove" myself to my mom. I constantly feel like I have to justify and stand up for myself when I'm with her. I know this is a result of the painful trust issues she now has with everyone she comes in contact with, but it is so exhausting. Sometimes I hang up the phone after I've had a fight with her, and I just cry and cry. I honestly believe that she thinks that their divorce has not affected me at all. She is always defending my two younger sisters and talking about how the divorce has impacted their lives. I think she believe that it didn't leave me broken or hurting at all. It's all just so frustrating and painful. I want nothing more than for my mom to be happy, and I hope someday she gets to do the things that will give her true happiness. I think that once she finds happiness, then the rest of us will be able to grasp our own happiness.
You see, I think that people often believe that divorce only affects small children or teenagers. I think in a way divorce seems easier to explain or excuse to adult children. But, you know, it's not. Watching your parents, the center of your family dynamic, fall apart right before your own wedding is not fun. There is nothing easy about that...nothing. Time does heal, but I'm still waiting for that. I always feel like things are getting better, and then something happens that rips the wound back open. It's painful. It's real. But, part of me refuses to accept that is just life.
Because, divorce is a choice that two people make, but the entire family braves it's journey. It's painful and exhausting. And it's important to have a great support system when you are going through something like this. My support system consists of my husband, my sisters, and my "adopted" mom and her daughters. I could of never made it through such a brutal reality without these people. I also think it's important to have resources you can turn too. A resource that has helped my family is
Focus on the Family. They have lots of devotionals and guest discussions that anyone going through a divorce can relate too. I also wanted to share a list of Christian books that some people may find helpful if they are going through a divorce:
I think the biggest encouragement I can give to anyone going through divorce, whether you are the one getting a divorce or if you are a family member struggling through it, is to get involved in your local church. A lot of churches offer a program called
DivorceCare which is a support group for people going through such a terrible experience. It's hard to get through the journey without help, and I don't think anyone should feel like they have to suffer alone.
I think everyone who is suffering through or the aftermaths of a divorce all wants one thing: to come out on the other side whole. We want to get through this experience with losing as little of ourselves as possible. We don't want it to consume our lives or dictate every decision we will make from that moment forward. We want to live. We want to enjoy our family. I think it's hard to get to this point, but I don't think it's impossible. I think the best way to get to a place of peace is by seeking the help of others. For me, it was about not letting my parents divorce define me or my own marriage. It is about living my life and giving my daughter a life that is free of the bitterness and hate that divorce often leaves behind. It's about finding that place where it doesn't hurt anymore.
What about you? Do you know someone who is going through a divorce? How has their divorce affected you or your family? I'd love to hear about it and please know that you can email me anytime if you have questions or just need a listening ear. You are going to get through this. You are going to come out stronger. I promise.
Faith and I at her Sports Banquet in March 2011
